So I know I haven’t written anything in a while, and I’m sure some of you have been relieved…or just haven’t noticed (probably the latter). Anyway, I have to say something. I need to go to London. 

Now I know, that’s a bit dramatic. I don’t literally NEED to go to London. But I mean, right now it feels like…like…imagine a writer. They will tell you that they really need to write to live, when that is not literally true. That’s sort of how I feel. I want to go to London so bad. Even just going to England, anywhere in England, I would be happy. My roommate (old roommate technically now…crap, now what do I write for her…) is in London right now, and I won’t even pretend I’m not wicked jealous. 

But, my dear Tumblrverse, there is hope. There is a trip to London next year, for a history course, and there is a very slight possibility of me going. Isn’t that great?! I really really hope that it actually does work out. It would mean the world to me. If I work hard enough, I think I can make enough money to do it. 

This is something that I have been dreaming about since I was very, very little. Like, six or seven. Since I first heard of London. When we learned some of the history of London. When I had that student teacher who was from England, who read us Paddington Bear in second grade (I am pretty certain it was second grade). When my brother married a women he met in Italy who lived in London, who he went and lived with for a while. Every time I have heard London, or England, or even just the UK, I have thought, “I’m going to go there someday, just wait and see.”

I WILL make it there. I will. I am determined. 

In a way a love story. I just wrote this. I would really appreciate some criticism, is it good? What can I do to make it better? Do you like the idea of it? Please let me know.

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She sits there, looking as gorgeous as always. Okay, others might not agree. She looks tired, like she had very little sleep (which I’m sure is true) and has only just woken up. Her hair, still wet from a shower, is pulled up in a bun, and she is wearing a pair of jeans and a black sweatshirt. She wears her old grey converse, and has no make-up on her face. Clearly, she could look better.

And yet, she is still the most beautiful creature in the room to me. She’s smiling. It brightens the room, every time. It is not the tired smile that she sometimes wears, a smile of one weary of the world, one waiting for everything to be over, to just get some rest. No. This is a smile of laughter, of pure joy. It is the most wonderful sight that could grace my eyes.

It is also one of the most painful. Almost as painful as seeing her sadness, her frailty, seeing tears stream down her face. It is painful because I am not the cause of the laughter. The cause of the smile. No, instead I cause a look of confusion, a look of sadness, of guilt. Instead I end up causing pain to the one that I want most to protect.

And it hurts, because it is not easy, having these feelings. Friends disapprove, because of our past. And I can only express them to a very select few. I wish I could shout it from the rooftops; I wish I could just run up to her and pull her in a tight embrace. I wish I could just kiss her in front of a crowd, I wish I could just show the magnitude of my feelings.

I can’t. And the reason isn’t even as simple as she cannot return them. No, the answer would never be that simple.

I would do anything for her. I would protect her always; I would even run to catch a bullet for her. I would stand up for her in any situation. I would support her always with what she loves to do. I would even avoid her, simply because it would make life easier for her, even though it causes me such immense pain and sadness. All of this I would do in the name of love. But that would not make these feelings alright, would not ensure other’s approval.

No. Because I am just a girl in love. A girl in love with another girl. That is what makes this a love that some would spit upon if it were tangible. That people would curse. That people would call sinful, an abomination.

 But how could it be? How could all of this love, so pure and so genuine, be so condemned, be so wrong? How could it be, when it feels more right than anything I’ve ever experienced?

So these feelings I must keep secret, these rendezvous that we have, we must both keep a secret. The passion that we have shared, it must be kept a secret. For her sake more than for mine. It is one of the only ways I can protect her now.

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Once again, please give me some criticism? I would appreciate it immensely. 

twloha:

03/30/12 #wearTWLOHA coming soon.

(via fearsvsdreams)

You know, as much as I would love to hate her, or at least be over her…or have never had those feelings in the first place (okay I should stop now), she really does care a lot about her friends. Close friends at least. But she really cares to help them out. Ugh.

I just came out to my mum.

I can’t believe I just did that.

Holy crap.

I can’t even…

It wasn’t bad.

It was better than I expected.

But it was just over the phone.

Oh God I don’t know how she really feels.

I can’t even…

It’s true guys, don’t give up. Even if I don’t know you, I love you, and you deserve to live, and you need to be here. I probably don’t know exactly what you’re going through, I probably don’t really have a clue. But I do know that whatever it is, it is not worth hurting yourself or taking yourself away from the world. You touch more lives than you know. I know some of the feelings behind hurting yourself, it’s something that I am still fighting. But it really helps to know that there are people who love and care for me, as hard as it can be for me to accept that and know that it is real. I love you. Others in your life love you. 

Things will change, it will get better.

You have to be here to see it.

(via painfulbutbeautifullife)

So today I was hanging out with my friends, we went to dinner at Applebee’s and then went to the movies to see The Vow. And when we were driving there, I said something (I honestly don’t remember what) and Lizzie said, “We aren’t like your friends at home, are we?” And my honest answer was, “No, not at all.”

I replied with that, and then I started really thinking about it. It’s true, my friends at school and my friends at home seem to be two very distinct, different types of people. And I usually feel more comfortable with my friends from home (to be expected, I have known them longer). But there are some topics and such that I don’t bring up with friends from home, some jokes that are reserved for the people here at school. And there is some stuff that I may try to bring up with my friends here, but they just don’t get it, or they don’t think it’s funny, it just doesn’t work out. Which is unfortunate, I mean, I feel like I have changed a lot since being here.

But then again, there are so many ways that I haven’t changed. I still apologise like crazy to people. I try to do things for everyone (actually that one may have gotten even worse). I still get into moods where I just sulk and seem to sink back into the mind of a five year old. And I still feel like I use my friends as therapists, even though I really try not to.

I try to be so selfless, but really I am a really selfish person. I mean, if I think about doing stuff for people, generally I don’t have ulterior motives, I do it simply to do things for people, or because I feel I have to. But there are times, like when I end up talking about my problems, and I am so selfish, like, I don’t want anyone else to talk, I just want people to listen to me. I feel that I’ve gotten a little better at this, there are times when I do stop myself from bringing up anything on my mind because someone else really needs to get out their own feelings. People have told me I’m selfless though, and when they do I feel that they have a completely incorrect image of me, that they are clearly missing a major part. I need to be selfless, because how else can I make up for the times where I am completely selfish? Sometimes I might take it a little far, but what can you do?

As much fun as I had tonight, I still feel that it was a bit awkward. Like, when we were in the restaurant, we had a while where it was completely silent, and I thought that it wouldn’t really be like that if I were with my friends from home…we would be doing something at least sort of crazy, even if we were in public. I think Lizzie might have felt the same way. I really wish I had been able to open up more. I mean, thinking about playing video games at my friend Jenae’s house, I think I was having…well, not more fun, but a different kind of fun, one that I was more active in. One that I was able to loosen up and just act like a moron. Not that I don’t act like a moron here, I do all the time. It was just…different.

Maybe it just takes time. I am better than I was way earlier in the year. It will happen. Just have to be patient.

Man, you guys got TWO blog posts in one night! Feel special, this won’t happen all the time…actually I can see it happening again. But for now, this is it. You guys are awesome.

I deleted her number from my phone. I still don’t feel right about that, I mean, I want to still be her friend and everything, but recently I have been so tempted to text her or something and I just didn’t feel like it was something I should let happen. 

I did talk to her on Tuesday and on Thursday, more Tuesday, and I’m actually not sure how I feel about that. At the time I think it felt like a good thing, that I was able to talk to her, just talk about break and stuff. I even hugged her, because I felt bad that her’s didn’t really go too well. I told my counselor that it was good as well, that I didn’t feel like it was a bad thing. But now, looking back at it, I just feel sad. Not even angry, how I had felt about it for so long, at least before this previous break ended. I was just pissed off at her and didn’t even want to speak. But now, shit, I just want to cry or something. Sorry to the people on here who don’t approve of swearing, I felt that that was a little necessary (and that is only my second apology today, I’m getting there). I just want to talk to her, to hug her, whatever, even though I fully know that that would just hurt me more and that those thoughts shouldn’t even be crossing my mind. It pisses me off that I even feel this way. 

Yeah. I just realized. I WAS pissed off at her, but now I’m just pissed at myself. I’m angry that I still feel this way, after so much progress and after it was almost gone, all of these stupid feelings. I even tried to move those feelings onto someone else for a while, but that didn’t really do much to get me over her. If only. Huh, look at the revelations that writing (or typing) something out can bring.

Honestly, I almost wish I was on a huge campus right now. Even though I really haven’t seen her around lately, which is really surprising seeing as I used to see her all of the time. Now it really is only in class. So I should be happy about that.

I’m really sorry (third time today) though, for putting yet another rant about the girl on here (and not even a full rant really. A half rant. At least if I’m going to force this upon you I can put a little bit more time and effort). This isn’t my diary. It’s a blog, this isn’t the stuff that should go on here, it isn’t the stuff that people want to read about. And yet here I am, typing it up, about to tag it and click create post. Ah well. I can only hope you are willing to forgive me. Then again, you could just skip over the post. No one forced you to read it.